Turning Negatives Into Positive Motivation

After at least 20 times of typing WordPress into google to start an account & an uncountable amount of times trying to lose weight/live a happy lifestyle, here I am! Almost 1 year later, I’m here! I’ll try to keep this short however being as creative as I am I often go into detail. Sometimes too much! Please read though if it doesn’t help you it will help someone you know! I had always had a tiny figure, fitting into size 8 clothes that often hung off me. I looked healthy! Being only 4.9ft I weighed about right for my height, 7 stone. Age 15 I managed to get a job through work experience and by 16 I was offered an NVQ in hospitality and catering! NVQ level 1&2…. Shortly after I was gutted to here my boss was leaving, I took a weeks holiday! On my arrival back I was greeted by our new managers, their son and whole lot of butterflies in my tummy! He wasn’t my usual type ( a ‘bad boy’ ) he was well dressed, funny, good looking & well… a pretty boy as they would call him! I remember the butterflies I would get going to work! After a few weeks of awkward staring and flirting we ended up going out to a party that I had invited him too! We laughed, we flirted, we kissed….. WE KISSED?! I called in sick the next day, I couldn’t face him, i was embarrassed! We got together December 15th 2005, moved in together in March 2006, got engaged in December 2006! I had been so in love, having so much fun and my whole world revolved around him. I barely had time for myself, number 1, ME! I didn’t know who I was! When the bells rang for New Year 2007 I decided my resolution would be to stop drinking fizzy drinks! The next day i realised actually just how comfortable I had got with my relationship that I had now piled on so much weight! A stone or two! All those sweets, takeouts almost every other day, romantic meals out, movies and popcorn, late night snacks in bed ( large bags of crisps, brownies, cookies, cheesecake ). You name It, we ate it! Eww! From then on I started to eat healthy and try to work out when I could! When I got time out of my 55-70 hour a week kitchen manager job! That place was my second home! In 2008 I found I was pregnant. Only 3 stretch marks and my butterfly tattoo to the right of my belly botton still perfect 7 months in. At 9 months pregnant I went from a size 10 in clothes to a size 14, I was huge! I waddled around untill the day after my sober 21st birthday March 2009, when I went to be induced! After a non working epidural and 10 people in my delivery room I had my world placed into my arms, a tear down my cheek and a little stare into her glazed eyes! I was a mum! A mum who struggled for 6 months to lose the weight. Back to work I went when my little girl was 6 months! I missed her first walk, her first laugh, her first fall, her first clap! I’ll never get them back! So anyway… For a few years I was back at my slim self. I loved my body! Even with the few stretch marks that stayed, the ruined butterfly tattoo and the larger thighs. Our house was a little different to your average house! 9 people in 3 bedroom, overcrowded right? We had a lot of things happen in our house, some due to negativity some due to spiritual activity which resulted in our whole family leaving at 2am one morning and moving into my nans. With my Nan, Grandad and Pop ( my great grandad ) already there we had no choice but to sleep 5 of us in the living room and 2 in the kitchen. No beds, just blankets and duvets for 6 months. The worse 6 months of my life, sleepless nights due to taking it in turns to sleep, arguments due to being in each other’s pockets all the time and finding out sometimes family members, the people you’ve known all your life aren’t really who you thought they were! My mum finally got another house and my self, my partner and daughter moved with her. I was waiting on a phone call from housing to confirm wether or not I was elegance for a flat I had placed a bid on. I went to sleep in excitement I couldn’t wait to wake up for the call. I woke 15 minutes later with the worse feeling ever…. My head was banging, my stomach turned like I had never felt before and for some reason I looked at my phone which was on silent, a call came up from my cousin Becca. I knew at that moment it was bad. As I answered my phone she screamed, she was crying a painful cry! My gran had passed away, the first person I had ever lost, the lady who I spent my childhood holidays in Scotland with, the lady who made my Dad the man he was! I couldn’t sleep I cried the whole night & when my phone call came in the morning I didn’t want to answer! I didn’t care if I had a house or not! I had never felt loss before and if I had to go through this again, How would I cope? I passed my mum the phone as I was being violently sick ( sorry but that how it was )! I had a viewing at the house that day and took it! The funeral passed, and so had a few months In 2011 I received a bridesmaid dress size 10 as my dad was remarrying in 2012! I looked beautiful, the dress was flattering, expensive, designer and little did I know I wasn’t going to wear it in the end. I called my dad 2 months later to tell him I was pregnant, expecting my second child! We needed to get me a new dress. So there I was walking down the isle with my little girls hand. Waddling, in pain and a size 18 dress about to witness my dad marry the love of his life. A few weeks later I gave birth to my gorgeous little boy! Exactly 3 days after moving into my new house! Which is in a village! I wasn’t going to miss his first laugh, walk or clap! I decided not to go back to work until he was in school! Some people will say that’s not right but he’s my child I missed out once it won’t happen again! Life was great. However, I couldn’t shift the weight or eat right and I fell once again into a routine of being happy in my comfort zone. Eating junk all day everyday whenever I wanted. I don’t think I was even hungry most of the time I couldn’t of been! If you’ve read this far, keep reading.. Please! The main part of this story is about to be typed ( I told you I go on and on )! 2014 holds 1000 memories for me! Some happy, some sad, some are the most amazing memories I’ll ever have an I’m privileged but some are the most painful I’ll ever experience! Five generations in our family! My great grandfather Magnus Cormack! 100 years of age and still going strong! He unfortunately had to go into a care home he was become harder and harder for people to care for him at home. We went to spend time with him most weekends. Taking him into the gardens so he could have a smoke of his pipe, he had smoked from the age of 7. Sitting listening to his stories, being of his age he always had lots of stories! I could listen to them for hours! He also liked to sing and more often than not we had the pleasure of listening to him sing! He would have friends outside his room looking in, the guy in the next room had formed a great friendship with him as had many of the other residents! Every one was very fond of him! I can’t explain how excited I was when the day came round to visiting him! I still had all of my grandads, Mum’s dad (Peter), my Dad’s dad (James, he got called Jimmy) and my great grandad (Magnus, pop)!

February 16th 2014

Grandad Peter’s birthday after not speaking to him for over two years due to a family argument I decided to visit him for his birthday which he spent on hospital a hospital bed, covered in blood, his vision only allowing him to see shadows and his depression suffocating him, while his machine helped him to breath out his COPD! I sat beside him reading his birthday card, 100s of childhood memories flowing through me, trying not cry I managed to make him laugh, I helped get him freshly clean sheets and disgaurded stale food! I couldn’t think much, I was numb I was confused I had never seen a family member in this state & I was still angry about the fall out! All night at home I replayed my childhood! The last day of January had came, bedtime came! I loved bedtime even if I always go late I as was excited to have a Lay in!

1st February 2014

I was woken up my my partner at a normal breakfast hour! Half asleep I asked ”what? WHAT!?” I’m sorry your Grandad has died! Imagine waking to that! I know it happens, but how? Why? It’s not real. I need to phone my mum, my nan, I need them to tell me! He was gone, I’m not sure what hurt more, he was gone and my little nan was left here without a husband, the man she thought was her world was gone! And so was her smile, the little smile she carried everywhere with her wasn’t seen again!

February 5th 2014 

Pop’s 101st Birthday! He had already had his letter from the Queen last year (just after this photo)! This year he has cake, gifts, cards. Lots of them! We walked in singing Happy Birthday but he looked sad! You didn’t tell me my friend was gone (meaning Grandad Peter) his son-in-law! However he soon perked up! Singing, sharing sweets with my little girl, telling stories which I recorded and telling us about the wildlife around the gardens of the home! Months passed and we still visited!

August 8th 2014

My Great Uncle Dave passed away after a stroke! My little sister Nicole and my Nan had spent a lot of time with him! I was sad, I had a few tears 2 family members passed within months of each other and they say things come in 3s! He wasn’t reconnected with our family until I was 18 but what a great man (pops son)!

August 31st 2014

we had a call from the home, Pop had caught shingles! We went to visit, they had signs everywhere A RESIDENT HAS SHINGLES! ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK! They clearly didn’t want to enter his room either, the carers I mean! Upon entering his room we saw mess! It hadn’t been cleaned, he hadn’t been cleaned. He wasn’t eating or drinking which was understandable as he had unfortunately got shingles in his mouth too! James and We knew he was poorly he wasn’t talking much he really wasn’t himself and it wasn’t just the shingles! Nothing ever got him down, EVER! He was the most happy, go lucky man I had ever met! James wheeled him outside in his wheel chair, he managed a little smoke for maybe 1-2 minutes and then James began pushing the wheelchair down the garden to the decking! Nothing stopped Pop from having a smoke on his pipe! It was what he enjoyed most! He would sit in the garden on a little chair most of his life having a little smoke! I remember sitting along side him chatting to him as a little girl and he would tell me stories about the black birds! Back then I hated the smell of his pipe tobacco! The strong linger it left for hours before turning stale. ANYWAY… This day he hadn’t enough energy to light his pipe, James had tried to help him and even then he hadn’t enough energy to pull it to his mouth long enough to smoke it! He wanted to talk, the words weren’t coming out clear enough but it was along the lines of going back inside, we took him back to his room! James spent the time talking to Pop and making sure he had a little massage, he loved it and James had always done that for him! James and Pop had the strongest bond of all. I’ve never seen anything like it! We left that day knowing he was really poorly it was awful.

September 4th 2014

James rang me to say Pop was really poorly and that he was coming to get me. Nan and Nadine also in the car! When we arrived the sky was still light. I remember signing the sheet by the front door, being taken to his room and feeling different to every other time I visited! Upon entering the room I was scared, upset, happy, sad, nervous, excited, anxious, confused so many emotions hit me at once taking immediate effect, on the whole I’m not sure how I felt! I stood at the bottom of his bed, eyes fixed upon his chest to check his breathing as he started to fiddle the covers with his hands and breathing as though he was gasping for air! I couldn’t breathe! My eyes filled up. I wanted to scream but nothing came out! I left the room and cried just outside the door,Praying and Hoping It was a bad dream that I’d soon be woken up from but I knew that wasn’t going to happen! James came and told me to cherish my time as its precious and to save my tears and be in the moment! He was right that’s what I had to do! It was very unfortunate that the staff couldn’t handle their jobs properly! Shouting again in the halls, arguing and giving them selves excuses! The amount of complaints we had! His mouth wasn’t swabbed, he was covered in green bile but not changed, the bed had a blue, waterproof mattress on the floor alongside it with a sensor Matt and an alarm ( incase he fell out of bed )! I checked the other rooms and they had bed guards yet my Pop had nothing! The fall onto the mattress would have killed him! ( His head falling to the side inches away from the corner of a sharp radiator which we covered with pillows! His checks weren’t done either! The list was endless I could go on for a while but you get the drift of it! The doctor came and we requested Pop be moved to hospital… While she agreed that we should complain and she wasn’t happy either…. She also said the transition from his bed to a hospital would be to much for him a big risk! The Carer came back into the room crying, apologising, making excuses before Admitting how wrong they were and how bad the care was! BUT was that going to change the end of life care that he got, was it going to be undone and vanished from our memories, replaced them with a more calm memory? NO! No it wasn’t! We asked for the manager who wasn’t actually working at the time but he soon came in to have a meeting with us! He was embarrassed, nervous and didn’t seem to shocked either that his staff weren’t as proffessional as they should have been! He promised us he would get a bed gaurd, swab his mouth, make him comfortable, he promised us a phonecall no matter what time even at 3 am if there was a turn for the worse so we could back in time to be there with Pop. Playing Scottish music to him and holding him to say our goodbyes! We still had around an hour an a half with him before we left! This hour or so being one of the most cherished of my whole life! One of my happiest memories yet my saddest at the same time! We held his hand, we spoke to him, we watched him look around the room as if we weren’t there and then we watched him come around to realise that actually we were there! Watching someone you love half here and half not is the scariest feeling but he made it magical. His hands still restlessly pulling at his sheets, his body flinching, his eyes seeing a different world to what we were seeing half the time, he didn’t have the energy to talk! James decided to sing to him and he was getting it, he came around he knew again that we were there. Then my nan sang to him…. He managed to get the energy to sing back, he smiled, and when he sang we couldn’t understand any of it except 3 words clear as day ” IM GOING HOME ”! How precious is that! That was his way of saying goodbye! After singing most of his energy had again gone ….his body had changed, his face had changed, the rooms atmosphere was the strangest! I held his hand, kissed and I told him ….” I’ll see you tomorrow, I love you Poppy! ” the car journey home was full of anger and tears! How did they treat him like that! How! To see anyone like that would be awful, no just a family member anyone! I didn’t sleep that night!

september 5th 2014 

We planned to go back in the morning but for some reason (I believe things happen for a reason) James and Nadine went to work, my partner went to work leaving me with my little boy! I decided to google end of life and it hand symptoms that can be from months to weeks, days to hours! I got to the hours part refusing food, refusing fluids, passing body fluids, Shortness of breath, green bile, restlessness, hands pulling on covers, mottled skin! That was it it was real. I cried uncontrollably….. Hoping for a miracle I couldn’t breath, I was a state! Within seconds the phone rang …. James telling me to go with my nan and he will get there when he can! My nan, my uncle and I waited around for what seemed like forever for more family members. Who does that? We should have gone straight there. We wanted to! Something stopped us! On our way I was playing over in my head how do I say goodbye! Do I kiss him, hold his hand, try to save him? I didn’t know! I climbed out of the back seat, nervously opened the door and ran to the bathroom before signing in. I saw carers coming out of his room (thinking they were just checking him as they had smiled at me) I carried on back to the front desk to sign in and there was Carer holding my nan. My uncle with tears and a lady I had never met saying ‘ sorry you’ve missed him, he went peacefully but you’ve missed him by two minutes ‘ literally two minutes. Pain hit! I was shouting at her… Then she held me… I couldn’t breath, I was numb, empty…. I was about to go and enter the room which was filled with such love last night and now it’s going to feel empty…. It didn’t though I held his had, still warm as if he was still there! The doctor entered the room. I watched as she she done her checks. I was shaking, staring at his chest. I thought he was still breathing either that or I was hopeful he was going to open his eyes.. and be ok! Even When you hear for a second time that he’s gone you don’t believe it! I was with him when the pronounced him dead… But it didn’t feel real! We spent the day there with him. Sharing stories…. That part to me was a blur! Selfish of me but two minutes and he didn’t wait! And I hadn’t said bye! Slight mess writing this…Crying and going On! I guess I’ve just needed to speak about it for a long time! Rather than speak to a councillor I would rather speak knowing people can relate! It doesn’t get better, the pain doesn’t leave & will never be rid of the empty feeling in my chest when I think of him….BUT I’m truly privileged to have met such an man! Saw his last smile, gave him his last tea, witnessed his last smoke and heard his last song! PRECIOUS!!I’ll try again to get to the point!

2015

A year passed! I still think of that year all time! Everyone would though! The memories. I had a doctors appointment To sort out a problem I which I’ll keep personal but my mum ended up telling the doctor about anxiety attacks I have! I’ve had them a long while but they had got worse. I can’t breath, I need to go to a bathroom, I panic uncontrollably sometimes.. Worry about the smallest thing but I can’t help it! After filling out a questionaire the doctor asked how I manage to cope! How do I live a normal day to day life like that?! Well, I realised at that point that I didn’t! I swapped shopping for online shopping. I swapped days out with friend for excuses, I swapped a night out once in a blue moon for a night in like every other night, swapped trips to the shop with a ‘ Kev can you go to the shop please ‘ swapped busses for taxi rides (£8 more expensive even for one way and I had to have a family member with me)! I only went to the doctors if my mum came.. I faf about, can’t concentrate for long…My house is spotless yet I still constantly clean, declutter and try to control things! If I can’t I panic or worry and I’m the biggest hypochondriac. I was offered talking spaces. Why go and tell people my problems what would that do?? It got worse I stopped taking my children out, I made excuses to stay home instead of going to the park in front of my house, I panicked about school plays… The only thing that got me going was my friend Sammie. I wouldn’t have gone alone! I had missed parents evenings too! Bad mum award, huh! I started to put myself down which resulted in it getting even worse again!

2016

My friend from year 7 Ellie had written a post on fb about her anxiety.. I never knew she had! How brave was that! I couldn’t imagine doing that. Not then anyway.. I inboxed her! The help she gave me even in my first 3 replies was more than enough it motivated me to want better, more and if someone can do it then anyone can do! I listened to her! I spent a few weeks looking at posts on an anxiety page that she made! It was amazing I had never heard so many people talk about this subject! I was going to get help!! I woke one morning, lookong in the mirror I had become huge! I didn’t like me anymore.I wasn’t me anymore! I had gained 5 stone from sitting around thinking about the PAST and constantly being NEGATIVE! Luckily my brother being a personal trainer and nutritional adviser came over and gave me advice! Advice that I had asked for 100 times and not taken. I promised I would this time! I started to plan meals, good healthy meals! Breakfast, lunch, dinner and Healthy snacks! No more junk at all not even fizzy drinks! I started HIIT and managed to keep at it because it’s what I want and through realising who I was and who I want to be its motivated me! I want to be happy with who I am, fit into nice clothes, take my children to the park or on buses! I want to be able to control my anxiety and help others with theirs! All of this as amazing! I felt on top of the world but how would I take the step to get out of my house? I decided to join slimming world with my mum! So I can get out, learn new recipes that other people use whilst sticking to my brothers plan..And I could hear other success stories! Your never alone!! There will always be someone who can relate.

September 2016 

15 weeks down the line and I hate being home! I love being out, I have energy, I’ve only had one anxiety attack which I controlled and I’m over 2 stone lighter! How about that for success! Sorry for the long story but rather than just seeing me post my success surely my lows that put me down mostly were important! I’m still to this day not sure what caused my anxiety as I know everyone grieves at some point and I cherish those moments I had so rather than trying to find a puzzle piece I’ll save time my anxiety is never going to leave anyway so at least now with a happy balanced diet, great support and Possitive thinking it will be easier to live with! It’s always good to talk to someone! I hope you enjoy my blog! It will now be filled with workouts, my daily activity and food diary! Photos also! No more long stories I promise! Thank you for reading! X