I felt alone & now I am BUT thats a Possitive need.

Nervously waiting for the school admissions to answer my call I was replaying in my head the last 4 years of my life. I moved house, gave birth to my son, 3 deaths which tore my family apart to the extent that we are no longer a family although I’m not sure we ever really were! I’ve tried numberous amount of times to help one of my brothers with a drug addiction, putting him up through the cold winters when he was homeless, being at court for him even though I felt physically sick with anxiety and had to leave my children on those days! Being there for every family member who depended on me when they were ‘down’ because let’s face it I’m the nice one… The one that’s always too nice and doesn’t know how to say no! The girl who has everyone’s best interest at heart regardless of how close we are but also the girl who has no one there when I’ve needed a shoulder or someone I can truly trust with my life! I only have 5 people I would trust 100% and still I wouldn’t tell them half of the things That go on in my mind or I need to get off my chest because… I can’t! I love my family, all of them with all of my heart but  I learnt something out of it… If you are a parent you put your family first! Not the family you grew up with but the family you are raising! How can you move forward stuck in the past right! I had a lot of friends growing up some who would now walk past in the street without so much as a smile out of no reason but the fact they are purely ignorant! I also have those types of friends who need you all the time with their dramas, when they are down, crying, lonely, insecure, in trouble of any kind, I’m need of something…. Funny that when they dont need anything, have someone else or have something fun going on I’m last to know… I’m just a convenience really! I’m a shop, a councillor, a shoulder to cry on,  a volunteer , a handy man, a personal assistant … Pfft if that’s  what I am these people aren’t friends! The way I see it is I’m a good friend…. Slightly vein but possibly one of the best you could ask for I drop almost anything when someone needs me in a bad situation! I never have the favour returned and it hadn’t bothered me until I realised that when I was at my lowest of all time I only had 3 people around me! If I only have 3 friends like them…. then that’s all I need! My 3 girls are better than a million of the fakes! Any way my point is…..After a year of applying Riley-Jay was finally going to school, he got the space! Hanging up the phone call to admissions,  I had that feeling that was too familiar… Couldn’t breath, my chest was closing, happy, sad… Crying! Through all of the things spoken about above he was the one there for me! He held me when I cried, made me laugh when I was sad, occupied my mind when I couldn’t think, stayed with me when I panicked, put up with me on days that I couldn’t cope ( although he had too because I’m his mum and he was to young to do anything else )…. He was there! He was my rock, he was what kept me going or at least from 8am-4pm when my daughter and partner where home anyway! image

So school started this week, Monday to Friday.. 8am till 3:30pm I’m alone!ive loved hearing their little stories and about their daily activities! My days have been filled, I’ve been job hunting, I’ve had interviews and phone calls! I’ve checked everyday for a job! Thursday I was alone …Then it dawned on me! Yes my anxiety is better BUT what if I get into my new job and I panic, feel sick, feel the need to constantly run to the bathroom, feel stranded and can’t do anything about it??? You will get there Catherine, I told myself! I’ve only been coping for 3 months, some things take time and I don’t have to rush! I think I’ve done well so far so… It’s good! I eat healthy everyday! I workout everyday! I constantly replace negative thoughts with Possitive thoughts! I’m putting my family first, the family that I’m bringing up! We are happy and healthy! As for people who use me or find me a option rather than a priority I don’t have time for them and the negativity that comes with it….. I am learning to love myself! I have rejoined Younique! A company that sells the most beautiful make up! Only joined Friday but I worked with Younique before! This time I am going to make a business out it! And I get paid to play with make up. Ive already gained my confidence back, still working on removing myself from my comfort zone slowly, I’ll get there!

I promised a more Possitive post this time! If you read my first one (which I had a lot of lovely feedback from even if it did make a few people cry)…then you will be thinking hmmm is this Possitive… YES… Yes it is! Keep reading! My brother James isn’t just my brother! He’s my best friend, my inspriation, my motivation, my partner in crime… And get this… He’s also my PT and Nutritional advisor! I’ve had a few people who ask can we work out with you… I’ll always say yes! If someone wants to better their self who am I to say no… It always unmotivated me though when they have up after a few days because of the hard work they had to put in… To me they were t ready or committed! But now… I don’t let that bother me! I’m ready, I’m committed, I keep myself motivated, visualise exactly where I want to be in life! I have some great goals and the people who ‘try’ to workout with me aren’t part of my goals so I stay focuses due to that! I’ll still help when they are ready though! I had a fist boot camp session with Dean another PT, yesterday morning! Pouring of rain, soaked after 5 minutes of leaving my house… Myself and the other 4 girls ( my friends )… Done an amazing job! We kept at it, didn’t stop either.. All while having fun! I did think id enjoy it as is not my brother I though I’d be so out of my comfort zone but I enjoyed it! I’m in pain now… But that good pain where you know you’be done well! My brother is also going to be starting a Sunday boot camp from next Sunday! So while a lot of people have weekends full of partying and hangovers mine will be full of hard work and self inflicted pain but I’ve never felt this good! I’m now addicted to bettering myself! image

I feel alone with my children at home, with out my partner, without family, without friends  but it’s what I needed, time to workout and focus, time to work and earn money, time to sort my head fully to where I need to be … I’m not far! I’m smashing my goals!  Sometimes we need to feel alonePossitive thoughts are always a must! The point in his post is…. Yes I suffer with anxiety BUT so far I’m coping just fine! I’ve never felt so good! Through the help of my brother and a great friend! Although, you don’t need anyone but yourself  see what you’re worth look in the mirror and make a change! Nothing will change if you don’t make changes! I didn’t take CBT that the doctor asked me to go to I found that eating a well balanced diet, cutting out any junk ( minus a little treat I had the other day for the first time in 3 months ), exercise and a great Possitive attitude even when I find it hard… Is the best way forward! Try it! And watch yourself become addicted to your results! We all go through bad times! Talking about them helps, if you have no one to talk to… Write a blog, keep a diary, or put it Into something creative like a vision board!! Also my Younique business is giving me the  opportunity to build a social network, whilst meeting other people in the same possition that I was in a few months back ( no confidence and not wanting to leave the house )! I’ll be out of my comfort zone fully in no time! So to everyone reading this who can relate or who knows someone who can… You can do it! And when you see results no one, not even your negative thoughts or bad days will stop you! What are you waiting for start today!! GoodLuck xx



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