A Blessing in Disguise!

Here I am again, writing my positive ‘Daily’ blog that I promised. Life was going so well! I had never felt more confident and happy with who I was and how life was going! I started to make plans and give myself goals! As you can see 6 months have passed and now I’m in the same position I was in when I first started to write my blog. I’ve managed to write, delete, re-write and delete it all over again. Partly because of my punctuation and grammar but also because Up until the point in my life I’m at now, I’ve been bothered about people judging me or my life! I’ve come to figure that sometimes life is out of our control and so are the opinions of others! It’s just how we deal with these situations that matters. Anyway! If you’re reading this then you’ve probably read my other two posts! This one is probably the deepest I’ll EVER write in my lifetime! An experience that has left me with Memories that will forever stick in my mind and cause me pain but happiness at the same time. Memories that will make me think before I act, think before I speak & an experience that has made me believe in miracles! Life really is too short…

Friday 30th September 2016 – I was on the phone to my friend we spoke for roughly 2 hours. We got onto the subject of my brother Gary. Talking about how much of a nice guy he is when he isn’t on drugs. How life could of been so much different for him and how it would be amazing to get him some help. Infact i had been talking to another lovely girl I met who works along side people with mental health issues and I found that she gave me so much useful information and it was so nice to talk to someone who understood the vicious circle that comes with drug abuse and depression! Rather than people judging and looking down as they do! When we ended the call I decided I wasn’t tired! I wanted to sing a cover of James Arthur ‘Say you won’t let go’. I still wasn’t tired so I was laying up in bed until around 1am! I had broken sleep!

Saturday 1st October 2016 – I woke around 5:30am… My partner had already left for work, Kids were asleep! I checked my phone. My mum missed called me, around 3am! I knew something wasn’t right. Just as I thought my anxiety had purchased a passport and made its way to the other side of the world it’s back! Worse than ever too! I received a message from my mum! My brother was critical in intensive care! Fighting for his life! Someone stabbed him. I couldn’t understand it you hear about these things all the time but now this is real. I’ve never felt so sick in my whole life there are no words I can use to describe the emotions I felt in that moment. My children woke up and I scared the hell out of them. I was screaming I’ve never seen myself like that it was the worst. After 2014 I wasn’t sure anything could ever compare.  When I managed to call her and finally get through I couldn’t breathe. That’s my brother but it’s her son! Having children of my own and feeling how I felt I couldn’t imagine how she felt! She received a phone call from a strange number and answered the phone to then hear “I’ve Been stabbed mum I don’t think I’m going to make it’ then the phone went dead! He was stabbed around 1am in Langford village Bicester. He luckily managed to knock on someone’s door and shout that he had been stabbed! They had let him use their phone. The lady on her front porch hold my brother on the floor telling him “stay with me” while my brother lay there dying! Her husband called 999 and then rang my mum back to tell her the address! When my mum attended the scene it was all cornered off and she wasn’t allowed to see him! His insides weren’t all inside. The air ambulance was there! He was given a blood transfusion & rushed away! Mum was taken to the hospital, where she had no choice but to sit and wait along side my little sister and police while surgeons performed a 5 hour life saving operation, he died on the operating table. They managed to bring him back! He was then taken into intensive care and on life support. That’s all the information I got from that call! I needed to get there! I wasn’t sure how. It doesn’t matter who knocked on my door and asked for a favour if it was as important as that I’d of helped. Even if I had other plans. BUT I didn’t Have anyone I could ask… actually I did and I did ask but they had other plans. Imagine standing at someone’s door and breaking down in tears because your brother is potentially going to die for all you know and that person can’t help you. That’s one lesson in life. People always say to me I have trust issues! But how can you trust people when someone says they’ll always be there for you no matter what and that one time you need them they can’t help because they have something more important to do like literally washing their hair! People are selfish… You learn who your friends are in these situations. I learnt I had only 3 (one of them being my best friend helping me all the way through this with her  beautiful mum too)  I waited around impatiently in my house pacing the floors, tapping my hands, trying to control my breathing and trying to control my tears so I could think straight, it wasn’t working though! My mum had managed to come and get me to take me up to the hospital. We had to give over a password as my brother needed to have security set up. Family and police only. Walking in I could see tubes everywhere, machines, nurses, doctors, the sound of machines fizzled out. I was stood staring at what could be my last chance to speak to my brother and I wasn’t even sure if he would be able to hear me! I wanted to take the pain away for him! I wanted to hold him and let him know everything would be ok! Tears rolling down my eyes while I hoped his would open! I stroked his swollen face, and held his blood stained hands, there was blood everywhere! I’ll never forget the sounds of those tubes from the life support machine. Watching my mum tell him that she loves him and that she always will broke my heart! They have the strongest bond I’ve ever seen between a mother a son! She’s always been there for him and deep down they keep each other going. They wouldn’t know what to do without each other! We left to let him have some rest and my mum and little sister needed some sleep as they’d been with him all throughout!

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Everyday from then on was draining. We spent another day in intensive care not knowing what would happen or if he would wake up. We took it in turns strictly 2 persons to anyone bed at any given time. When he finally came around and off life support the first thing he done was look at us with tears strolling down his face “this is my chance to live again, I’ve tried to take my own life so many times but now that someone’s tried to take it from me I’m not going anywhere. I’m not touching drugs again and I’m going to start loving life because this is another chance isn’t it?!” As soon as I heard those words I broke Inside! It’s unfortunate that something as tragic as this would be what it takes for someone’s life to change but it’s happened and from the moment I heard those words I knew 100% he ment every single word that had just came out his mouth! As the days went on we spent our life in the hospital. Our healthy eating became hot chocolate and a bacon sandwich without the fat cut off! Slimming world the group that helped with my anxiety and got me back out into the world went to the back of my mind. My hour in the morning with my children was precious… I didn’t see them for the rest of the day! My brother who trained me couldn’t even train himself he spent his days driving us to the hospital and talking to the doctors he kept us all together! The amount of stuff our family goes through he always seems like the one thing that keeps us going! He’s the glue! The nurses spent most of their time telling Gary he was so lucky and they wanted to make sure he knew it! They were shocked he survived! The doctors said “it’s rare to be stabbed in the uk let alone being rare to be stabbed in the liver” he was stabbed through the worse part that he could have possibly been stabbed too! Even though they assured us he was in the best hands they also assured us anything could happen at any moment. He eventually came out of intensive care and went to the surgical emergency unit level 6. He spent 4 days there and we all thought he was getting better, looking better! We had all been in to see him everyday still. It was so nice to spend time with my brother… my actual brother who was just normal I hadn’t seen him smile properly like that in years! My brother who knew he wanted to come home and start a fresh life! Making goals for when he feels better…. Friday came And as we all thought he was getting better my mum decided she needed a break and we all told her to still take her break that had been booked for months. Even Gary told her to go…. so she went.

Saturday 8th October – I had a phonecall from Gary! He was talking normally telling me that he had a lot of pain in his abdominal area and that he didn’t feel too good! He kept going dizzy and had asked for help but no one wanted to listen. He started to scream in what sounded like the most excruciating pain. “Help me, please help me!!!” Then the next thing I heard was a bang! I was screaming him down the phone…. nothing. No reply! I got my brother John to take me to the hospital. We got there and found that Gary had actually collapsed. Still in pain, still not checked and only just an hour later having his bloods taken. Let me add from one of the many lines on his neck which wasn’t actually giving any blood out at all..! The nurse was confused as to why she wasn’t getting any out and no word of a lie she spend about 20 minutes stood there trying to get it. I asked about Gary collapsing and she told me he should of had one but she had to arrange with a doctor first! Asking her why she hasn’t already sorted it she goes to speak with someone. Gary wanted to go for some fresh air. I went to get a wheel chair for him and we managed him to get up and out of bed. Wheeling him down past the bay, down the long corridors and into the lift was all fine. As soon as we were in life the atmosphere changed he said “I don’t feel good” we looked at his bag ( a large bag draining the fluid from his liver ) it was filled no more than 2cm high with a watered down Coke looking fluid and now it was full… in the matter of minutes it was full! Dark, hot blood looked as though it was going to burst out of the bag. He was white as ghost and water started to drop down him. The lift door was almost shut but I knew if I didn’t get it open then he probably wouldn’t of made it back out.. I’m. It sure how I opened it but I did. We rushed back to the ward. Two nurses tried to get the blood out of the bag but it was clotted and wasn’t going anywhere else in a hurry apart from In and out of him as the squeezed the bag! “Do you know what you’re doing” it was Clear from the looks on their faces that they hadn’t and they didn’t know what to do! In a moment of pure panic they didn’t even think to ask for help they just stood there messing with the blood! Gary was cold, white, scared, soaked… water was pouring off him as if there was a shower above his head. Finally help came! Doctors, lots of doctors! They told me to get out but I couldn’t! I couldn’t leave him. He looked like he was leaving this world, he thought he was. he told me to ring my mum but none of us could get hold of her… no signal where she was and not good signal where my brother James was either! I’ve never seen someone change so quickly before! I held his hand while they pulled the curtains over. This one doctor just looked at him! Pushed his hand into his abdominal area and as Gary screamed the doctor shouted over to the desk “Internal bleeding, get Gary Clarke into theatre NOW”…. lots of machines being wheeled around us, cables laying over my arms as I wiped away the water that was pooling into the dips of his skinny body. I was trying to be brave for him but I couldn’t stop crying. As they were pulling the bed away he managed to open his eyes, removed the mask from his face and told me “I’m scared Catherine!” I’ve felt helpless so many times in my life but none will ever compare to that moment. “You’ll be ok Gary! I’ll stay here I’m not going anywhere , I’ll see you soon as you’re back! I love you”. He told me ” I love you too sis” this all took a matter of 5 minutes yet it seems like the longest time. Everything happened so fast. I was now back to standing in a space where my brother was smiling and laughing 10-15 minutes ago and now I’m looking around at his get well cards that he received when he thought he would of been coming home yet I wasn’t even sure he will be coming back to this ward let alone make it out of theatre. I’ve never witnessed anything like that in my life… watching someone you love go through something so hard, scary, painful, tragic yet Being positive is the only option you have!

It was 4:29pm he was now in theatre. Another operation that would save his life. My brother was on a table being operated on and I couldn’t help. Walking around the hospital waiting for news, trying to call someone because I felt alone! How could someone do this to him! How could someone do this to anyone! I walked back up to the ward to ask for any updates.We went from him being stabbed, dying, being saved, going to a new ward, waiting for him to come home and within 4 hours the operation was over and we were right back at square 1! We had to collect his belongings… I asked for the nurses names because if they had checked my brother earlier this could of been prevented! He should have been scanned seen as the two main causes of internal bleeding are; abdominal pain and the other collapsing/dizziness! The nurse cuddled me, apologising with tears in her eyes! She thanked me, she told me I had helped save my brother! ( obviously that’s not my job it’s hers! We left him every night in this hospital thinking he would be taken care of and they couldn’t even attend him When he was screaming for help? I had to make a complaint! (I’ve missed some of this out but a letter of complaint to the CEO to follow will explain the whole experience)!

So there I was again standing at the door of intensive care waiting for someone to answer the buzzer. When we got through it must of been 22:00. I walk through again this time it was worse. I asked for a doctor so I could at least understand what happened and why it happened! The doctor explained to me it was rare my brother was stabbed, rare that he was stabbed in the liver, let alone the exact part where he was stabbed! Then the internal bleed was caused by aneurysm which was also rare. The doctor told me he was waking up during theatre and he was on the hospitals strongest medications. Enough for 3 patients! Gary’s drug abuse had ment he was in a worse condition because his liver had already been abused throughout life… also meaning in order for him to have pain relief he needed more than the average person. He was back on life support. They told me they would try everything they could. As we had gone back to intensive care I had to set up a new password and put my self as next of kin along side my mum as she still wasn’t back…. I stroked his hand “I told you I wouldn’t leave Gary, now you have to do the same keep fighting and stay with me, I love you” he opened his eyes! He couldn’t talk he was so high on medication and had thick tubes in his mouth. Tears of pain rolled down his scrunched up face. You could see the pain, it was so bad you could almost feel it yourself. He nodded his head! I didn’t want to leave him that night but I had too!

Never have I experienced my anxiety like that night…. as soon as I got through my door i lay there on the floor…. crying, screaming, I felt nothing…. that feeling I had when pop died was there…. I though i’d ever feel that again but I did and it felt 1000 times worse! Kevin tried to comfort me but I went through stages of not being able to breathe, it was so bad he couldn’t even understand me talking! I must of laid there broken in the hoody that was covered in all of the water from Gary’s body… the smell of hospital was so strong that it comforted me… and it was the only way I could feel even slightly close to him when I wasn’t there! I had managed to completely wear myself out until I fell asleep!

Sunday 9th October – My oldest brother John took me and my nan into hospital…. I said a prayer in he chapel…. not sure as to wether or not it would work but I had nothing else to lose right? Gary is a good man! He chose the wrong path and made mistakes but he’s one of those people who deserves a second chance! My nan said a little prayer and we went down in the lift to intensive care again…. as I stood at the side of the bed Gary opened his eyes holding my hands and pulling me in to him but he started trying to pull all the tubes and wires out. He was still so high on medication and he thought doctors were trying to kill him! They gave him some paper and a pen and he was writing to them…. I managed to speak with a doctor. Then we left and went home to give all of us a rest but mainly Gary! He neeeded it he was so tired and he had done nothing but fight…. if he was to carry on fighting he needed rest! Lots of it!

Monday 10th October 2016 –

my letter of complaint

My name is Catherine Daly.
My brother Gary ………was admitted to hospital early hours of Saturday 1st October. He was critical, he was stabbed in the liver, emergency surgery was needed he died twice in operating theatre and was then cared for in intensive care ( B ).
The care was great! I watched him progress until he was moved up to the ward ( I can’t remember the ward name but level 6 emergency surgery ward I think ). He was complaining of them not caring about him on that ward Which I was trying to reassure him that they do care but it’s not as intense as obviously his previous care as he was in intensive care. He was telling me he would ring the buzzer and no one would come.
On Saturday 8th October I had a phone call from Gary ( on his bedside phone ) I can’t remember exactly what time it was because it was to my house phone rather than showing on my call log. We spoke about how he was getting pain and the lady nurse was not listening…. He began to scream and shout begging me for help because they weren’t coming. He shouted and screamed for some time ‘ help me, someone please ‘ I was terrified I didn’t know what to do. Then I heard a bang…. He was no longer responding to me on the phone and then I heard nothing for a while but stayed on the phone shouting down it! I heard nurses quite a while later and the phone was hung up. Half hour later Gary called me in pain and told me he had collapsed and had such bad pain…. Scared that the nurse on duty didn’t attend to him I had my other brother John give me a lift to hospital. The nurse was trying to take blood from Gary when I got there and told me it’s because he had collapsed and she wanted to check bloods and urine ( when he could have his first wee after having his catheter removed )!
He said ‘ Hi sis, they are trying to tell me they are going to discharge me today but how? I’m in so much pain ….. He said! We had been told he would be there quite a while. The nurse said though as soon as the fluid is slowed which it was doing then he can go. Confusing! I asked the nurse has he had an X-ray she said ‘ no, I THINK he is in a lot of pain because we have taken his medication away and are now giving it orally ‘ . Gary was then asking for an X-ray which he said he had been asking for all day as he knew something was wrong. His insides didn’t feel right and he kept going dizzy.
Surely after a major operation on a liver that’s been stabbed and where internal bleeding is a big risk- she would have made sure he had an X-ray in the morning rather than make presumptions considering that abdominal pain and unconsciousness are 2 big signs of internal bleeding? Gary asked if he could go outside for some fresh air.. They said yes if I get a wheelchair. He sat in the wheel chair and as we got into the lift he felt sick, we looked down….
The bag draining his liver had hardly any fluid ( a watered down Coke colour ) in it a minute ago and in the time from the bed to the lift it has managed to completely fill with the darkest blood, the bag looking like it was ready to explode and the tube fully filled also. We rushed him to the ward. The nurse was trying to squeeze the bag out, Looking worried. I asked .. have you seen this before? She said no. I asked .. do you know what to do? She said no. Within a few more minutes he had lost colour. His head looked as though someone had a shower on a slow flow above him… I was wiping away all the water he was screaming in pain and still the nurse had no help. ( if she didn’t know what she was doing, then surely someone else should have been called over ) as a lot of staff were at the desk. When doctors and other medical attention were at the bed the doctor touched his tummy. And called over that it was an internal bleed he needed to be taken for emergency surgery NOW! ( my complaint being that this could have been caught hours earlier had the nurse managed to act upon the matter rather than to “think” or presume that he was ok when infact he stated he wasn’t ). As they wheeled him away the man in the bed to the right of him asked me, is he ok? I replied telling him that he was bleeding internally. He shouted “15 minutes he screamed and shouted for them earlier and not one of them came, then he collapsed!” So he was a witness to this. When his surgery was over I went upstairs to collect his belongings as he had been re admitted to Intensive care unit again. I told the nurse ‘ I would like to complain about the nurse who didn’t attend my brother today when he was screaming for help. The nurse said “it was me” I didn’t get her name as being so panicked about my brother but I’m sure it was (not mentioning names on here) . Small frame and light brown hair up in a bobble. Her excuse was ” I was in the medical cupboard” so she was aware of this and did hear him. Her eyes looking watered as if she knew she had done wrong, I could see it. firstly surely the patient screaming help regardless of length of time but also for that long should come first?…. And secondly if she doesn’t know the signs of internal bleeding let alone not attending the signs of it…. How is she working on a ward with patients who have had life threatening surgery and who are at a big risk of internal bleeding? I’m not sure how this email has came across but I’m sat home trying to write this knowing my brother is now back in intensive care unit ( A ) bed 4 fighting for his life and I feel it’s due to the care he was provided with on level 6 ward. Yes he may still of had internal bleeding due to it being a big risk. But it could have also been prevented long before the stage he’s at now. Having to come home leaving him there is awful enough without having to think a nurse was so careless. Another complaint is my brother had not had one shower in a week ( understandable as of the wounds ) but to be kept hygienic would have been great. Not one wash down. And he smelt awful…. Keeping someone hygienic and clean is a must when they are at high risk of infection surely?
I’m not sure what i would like done. I would like my brother to live. I would like my brother to pull through this and know that if he’s lives and pulls through his major operation tomorrow then happens to go back onto this ward he will have the care he deserves rather than having to worry. And I would like to know that by doing this complaint it may save someone else also. My name is Catherine Daly. My address is
……………

Thank you for taking the time to read my complaint. I look forward to hearing back from you.

Monday 10th October – Mum and James got back from being away so we went up to the hospital. Mum and James taking it in turns with me and gran Theresa. Gary was in so much pain this day… he had another internal bleed in the night and another operation was needed! He died again! He had bags inserted into his abdominal area to try and stop the bleed as they couldn’t find where it was coming from. He was in such a bad way… doctors, specialists & surgeons had all said they’ll do everything they can, they didn’t look too sure of it all though and the condition his body was in was so bad and he was so tired. He was left open so that the bags could be removed tomorrow with yet another life saving operation. Almost 2weeks fighting for his life how much more strength did he have? This was a scary day! Mum ran out into the waiting room crying… Gary heard her voice and woke up and then he stopped breathing. So I went in with James and he done it again. I can understand why my mum panicked… Watching him laying in this hospital bed, not being able to speak or move or tell her he was ok…. that was horrible for us. Imagine watching your brother, sister, friend, mum, dad, grandparent in that position. That’s horrible huh? Now imagine that it’s out of your control and it’s your child…. they’ve been stabbed by someone who’s out there roaming free at the moment and there’s nothing you can do about it. They’re having fun, thinking they’re big and like they’ve got away with it! While the person stabbed could die or they could live and you have to patiently wait to find out! … that’s someone’s life! That’s a whole lot of people’s life’s! Family members, friends, doctors, nurses, surgeons, paramedics, onlookers….. how can someone do this? All these things that go through your head while you’re sat in the waiting room! It’s messed up. If you’re still reading I’m sorry I’m on a little mid-story rant but I’m just saying it how it is. We stayed all day. Then the doctor wanted to speak with us. Walking us into a side room… They told us about the operations they would perform, the risks, the risks of the bags they had in, the risks on the liver….. everything they told us didn’t sound good… and a chance for Gary to survive didn’t look good either…. after numerous chats with the doctors and having to go home day In day out not knowing if he would be ok, James basically asked the doctor in a kind manner to tell us the truth because it was killing us not knowing…. and the doctor told us they’ll do everything they could but he didn’t have much chance of surviving at all.

 

Tuesday 11th October  – Big operation day today… It didn’t go to plan though. Gary wasn’t having a great time. They need to balance out medications again and even with everything he was on he was waking, restless and in a lot of pain. The doctor explained… if the operation goes ahead ( tomorrow now ) Gary will be in a lot of pain and there is only going to be so much more medication they can give him so his body may go into bio shock and he may not even pull through. It’s the only chance we had he needed the operation. He cried a lot today opening his eyes, squeezing our hands and trying to tell us he loves us with signals! The painful look on his face was the worst…. it made me feel sick to my stomach, I’ll never be able to remove these images from my head….

wednesday 12 October 2016 – Gary wasn’t allowed the operation again so the bags inside him were giving him a higher risk of infection every second… it’s dangerous! Again we spent the day taking it in turns to sit beside him, hold his hand, stroke his head…. wipe his tears when he woke up and wanted to talk but couldn’t… the pain still there and seeming worse everyday. Watching people come and go seemed so unfair! Don’t get me wrong I was so happy for those people who were discharged from intensive care and moved to other wards for recovery but I wanted my brother too also he didn’t deserve being in this bed! And especially not from being stabbed! No one deserved this…

Thursday 13th October 2016 – We got to the hospital early because he was having the operation. We waited for him to go which seemed like it took forever…we stayed at hospital, walked around, drank coffee, sat in the restaurant…. talked, cried, got stressed, tried to stay positive BUT thought the worst! Then finally after what seemed like a lifetime.. he was back. As we waited patiently in intensive care waiting room for him to be sorted and settled the doctor spoke to us… The surgery went well. Good news!  This doctor was amazing! A huge weight of our shoulders and I felt able to breathe! He had more complications though. The bags had twisted is bowels, there was risk of more infections yet again and he still wasn’t out the woods! We hadn’t had any good news so far though so that little bit of news seemed amazing! However, the liver was still extremely bad and it has to be able to repair which they were unsure of. James offered a transplant of his liver but Gary’s liver is in worse condition than your ordinary person due to the drug abuse from the age of 15-32 and James’ liver would be no good… Gary’s body would just attack it so that was a no.

Saturday 15th October 2016 – 2 days spent in intensive care again from  morning to night. They had been trying to take Gary off the life support for two days but he wasn’t breathing without out so they had to intubate him again. His body was just to tired and he needed that extra help!  I was kind of glad he was there though rather than on the other ward where they were careless with him! He was now off it! We could speak to him! He told us he loved us, he told us how much the pain hurt him, he told us he doesn’t want to die, he has heard everything we’ve said even when we thought he was out of it he heard us! He remembers waking up on the operating table! I remember standing there holding his hand and feeling  so happy that I could hear his voice. He thanked me and told me I saved him! I personally know how amazing he is! He saved himself! He was the one who managed to get to someone’s door for help, he was the one in that bed fighting for his life and he was amazing! Later on that evening he went back up to emergency surgical ward. To sum it all up in one word nightmare!

People say if you put in a complaint it gets dealt with! They said he wouldn’t be treated differently either but that was a lie! The staff were all really close friends on the ward and let’s just say they all stick together… they made Gary’s time there hell! Until the last week….  The communication was unbelievable or should I say the lack of it! But there were the odd few who were amazing! BUT he’s still here! He’s alive! I spent everyday on FaceTime to him. He called me every  morning at 6 am after his medication. Then at lunch time when he had more medicines and then we would spend the whole day talking to each other, sending photos and chatting rubbish! He had more procedures, operations, complications and visits from the police. After dying 4 times, 8 blood transfusions and stupid amount of operations…  Do you know what I loved every second of the next two weeks!  I’ll tell you why…..

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There are 6 of us! John, Gary, James, me, Jordon & Nicole! Gary being a drug addict from 15 was hard! We grew up seeing and hearing a lot of things we shouldn’t of. Police, drugs, fights, prison letters, family arguments, theft… that’s putting it short but the things that happened were all huge parts of who we all are now! Gary has gone through life being on drugs, being drug free, being in prison, being homeless, being suicidal and it’s all one big viscious circle! It taught me things I shouldn’t do, taught me a lot about how other people live and taught me not to judge others! Sometimes life is out of our control… I do believe that as horrible as it is this was life telling Gary he has another chance to do right! This was the chance he needed! Unfortunately it took something as dramatic as this awful event but now he’s a different person! I gave him clothes when he was homeless, hot meals, helped him when he was suicidal, been there while paramedics or my other brother James brought him back and saved his life numerous times ( he’s died more times that you could imagine ),  spent hours talking him to sense when he was at his lowest and I’ve held him when he didn’t want to be in this world!  I’ve met my brother all over again… and I prefer this version of him! Now we talk about life, goals, tv, new trainers, family literally anything that we can think of. We laugh all the time and he even looks like a different person! It makes me cry happy tears to think how much he’s changed and how far he has came! I’ll never be able to say how proud I am because I’ll never truly find the words but he is one of the biggest inspirations to me now! We’re all so proud of him! He’s amazing! Still not fully recovered and he will have a lot of health issues for the rest of his life but he’s come through all of this and I’m incredibly proud of him! To have survived all this and come through all this as a better person!

So that’s been my life for the last 5 months  and I’m only just starting to get back to being me. Sometimes life takes you on unexpected journeys! My anxiety still hasn’t chosen its next destination but hopefully it’s going to soon… I spent weeks locked back up in my house scared that I was going to be hurt or that someone was going to break into my house.

I would like this to reach people who think they’re ‘hard’ or ‘clever’ carrying knifes! This is life, it’s real! The impact it has on people’s life’s is awful! It’s really not worth it! Someone will eventually get hurt and for what! All because you wanted to win the fight or look like a ‘bad man’! It’s diagusting!

My healthy eating has started back up and I’m back to exercising thanks again to my brother James! All these amazing siblings I have! My family are only just getting back on track… So proud of them all! Back at slimming world with mum again and although my anxiety is really bad when I’m there I’m starting to feel better about it again! All these things we go through in life make us who we are today… I’ll never be ashamed of who I am or the things I go through they make me stronger and eventually when I get to terms with them I find it rewarding to share and help other people! I wanted to share this story with you  to show you things can change and miracles do happen! If youre going through a hard time Stay positive and look after yourself too! Thank you for taking your time to read this! Xoxo

 

 

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